I become a bit frenetic when I’m preparing to go on a trip. I’ve always been organized, and don’t like leaving things undone in the office or messes at home, yet it is clear to see an increase in my preparedness since Rayna’s stillbirth.
Finding out our child had no heartbeat occurred when we were about to depart on a babymoon to Colorado, a favorite family vacation destination from my childhood. We never made it to Colorado, and I was out of the office for six weeks instead of the scheduled two.
That was five years ago this coming week. Five years ago on July 25 when we saw the still image of Rayna’s heart on the ultrasound. Five years ago on July 27when Nick and I held her and named her and shared her with our families.
And, I’m doing what I’ve done every July since. I cleared my work inbox to zero (yes, I’m that kind of person), submitted some important professional certification documents a few weeks early, cleaned off my desk, and changed my email and voicemail to indicate my absence. Sure, that is all good professional behavior, though for me, it is also wanting to make sure things are in good shape in case I’m not back when I think I will be. I similarly organized my personal email inbox, saved as many #RaynaSunset photos as I could find, and finally sat down to write for the first time since last July.
Our little family is preparing to remember Rayna. Our three-year-old is dragging Rayna Bear and LO Bear all around the house, asking, “Why did Rayna die?” Then answering for himself, “She died and turned into a pretty baby sister.” Our not-quite-two-year-old is carrying a baby doll around, saying, “Baby! Baby!” They know it is almost her birthday and are definitely expecting a treat. We’ll sneak away in our own little manner, read her book, look at her photos, continue to tell her story to her big little siblings (and, of course, let them have cake).
Rayna’s delivery day reminds me to catch up, delete the unimportant things, and slow down. I invite you to do the same this week. Slow down. Get outside with your living children. Write something. Step away from the news or social media and see what is around you. Take a nap. Read a book. Dance to a silly song. Catch a #RaynaSunset.
Rayna's Sunset 