It’s time. We haven’t been purposely keeping a secret, instead searching for the best way to share. Or maybe something creative. Or cute. Or crafty. Until I remembered I’m not so creative with these things. It took us six months to come up with a solid social media announcement for Rayna, and we never got to that point with LO.

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Trying Again

Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame, someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns, doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Pink, Try

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Talking Body

 Stillbirth isn’t only an emotional and spiritual experience, it is also physical.

I’ve never been a huge fan of my body. I mean, I know I’m physically strong. I run, a lot… many half marathons, even a full marathon in 2014. I lift weights and can move furniture on my own. I’m strong. But, I often wish to be less strong in order to be more skinny. Getting pregnant meant it was one of the first times in my life I was not actively trying to lose weight. Freedom!

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This fall I took a class about writing grief through lyric poetry and narrative. This was a beautiful opportunity to put words to the sea of sorrow I felt with two brilliant professional writers as navigators. I journeyed with others in various stages of the grieving process, opening our hearts together through writing. I looked forward to these evenings, of holding a pen in my hand and writing about Rayna while facing the waves. The class stretched the way I saw myself and the way I wrote. You will see more works from and inspired by those six weeks throughout the future of the blog.

During our first gathering we skimmed an article entitled How to Give a Eulogy, and the idea of telling the truth in eulogy, even when it is not all flattering, stuck with me. We did not have a funeral for Rayna, feeling satisfied with the dedication we shared in the hospital, so through the class I wrote a eulogy. There was peace and levity in writing about how I knew and experienced Rayna:

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Rayna’s Delivery

After sleeping very little and deciding to stay where we were, labor was induced the morning of Sunday, July 26. Induction started slowly, as my body was only 33 weeks pregnant and not prepared for labor. I hadn’t had any cramping or spotting; my body was still completely unaware our baby had died. To start labor, I took a pill every few hours (probably Cytotec, I don’t remember), and small contractions came and went throughout the day. Our Sunday nurse had also experienced infant loss and had some insight for us throughout the day.

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