This week will mark the one-year anniversary of Rayna’s delivery day. Nick and I began wondering how to mark this day as soon as it happened.
Would we want a birthday party with cake? To be on the farm? In the city? To be with people? Alone? To plant a tree? A garden? We would talk about it, not talk about it. Come up with ideas, change our minds. Nothing felt like enough to honor the way our daughter has impacted and continues to impact our lives and the lives of those around us.
As this anniversary draws near, I find myself often caught off guard by my emotions. I have vivid, clear flashbacks of July 25. July 26. July 27. I have such strong memories of Rayna’s movement. The first little pop that I knew was a baby, not digestion. Kicking Nick in the butt while we were sleeping the night before Father’s Day 2015. Making my book bounce while I read before bed last summer. The gymnastics that were just a bit uncomfortable for momma.
A few weeks ago my cousin posted a sunset closely resembling Rayna’s Sunset, more than any other I have seen this past year, and I sobbed. That morning I wrote a letter to Rayna:
Sweet Rayna,
I am missing your deeply this morning. We are getting close to one year since you left us and I am flooded with memories.
When we went to the parade last year and I told your Daddy I couldn’t wait to have you join us next year. Only to show up this year without you. Doing the 4th of July Race with Daddy last year, wondering if I could do it with a stroller this year… only to not have you there.
[…a big portion here that perhaps I will share another time…]
My heart aches for you. I love you so much. I wish I could have you back, but I know I can’t. Even so, I will always keep looking for you.
Love,
Mommy
Both of us have this week off work, and I’ll share how it goes after we make it through this week. While we wish we could mark Rayna’s day with each of you, we know that isn’t possible. Even so, you can help us celebrate. If you get a chance between Monday, July 25, and Wednesday, July 27, would you step outside at sunset and take a photo? Post it on Facebook or Twitter using #RaynaSunset. It will mean a lot on what I imagine will be challenging days.
I also find myself afraid she will be forgotten after next week. Nervous you will stop sharing sunsets with us. Please know we will always remember, and we will always appreciate you sharing a #RaynaSunset with us.
Rayna's Sunset 
Thinking of you
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