Four Months

Weight: 14 lbs (this is again an unofficial weight done on our home scale)
Length: 25 inches
Likes: Bath time, music class at daycare
Dislikes: Not being able to see a grown up nearby
Clothing Size: 0-3 month, though we’ll have to make that jump to 3-6 months clothes soon.
Diaper Size: Size 1
Favorite Toy(s): He loves watching a balloon he received at our church baby shower.
Skills: He has started rolling from his back to his side, and we can tell he really wants to figure out how to make it the whole way over.
Eating: He has approximately 12 ounces at daycare, and he nurses every 2-3 hours when home with mommy.
Sleeping: His record is 7 straight hours (!!!), which he’s pulled off a few times. And twice he even stayed asleep after we put him back down after the first wake up. He doesn’t take long naps, but we’re working on this whole sleep thing.
Firsts: Trip to the zoo, St. Patrick’s Day (he even participated in a parade!), night with a babysitter, book club with mommy
Mommy’s Highlight: Cherishing the days at home with LT.
Daddy’s Highlight: The way LT rotates like a clock in the pack-n-play at night.

Parenting After Loss Thought of the Month:
Hanging over the changing table in LT’s nursery is a canvas print of a map and Dr. Seuss’ famous quote:

Oh, the places you’ll go.

LT loves to look at this poster during diaper changes, so I will talk to him about the paces he might go. I do this more and more as he sheds his newborn looks and I catch glimpses of the little boy he will soon be. This includes physical places, wondering if he will travel to the West Coast, to Australia, to Europe, to anywhere. Sometimes it is things he might enjoy doing, such as swimming, playing baseball, drag racing, reading, making music, and more. We also talk about what he might grow up to be – a teacher, an electrician, a judge

We love dreaming all of these possibilities for LT, understanding that we don’t yet know who he is or what he may become. I’m sure my parents didn’t imagine little baby Sarah would grow up to be a chaplain, and Nick’s parents couldn’t have guessed he would grow up to work with non-profits and databases in the cloud. We simply don’t know. It is fun to dream, though.

Yet, we don’t get to dream these things for Rayna. Her life never had the chance to truly begin. We don’t even know what kind of baby she would be. LT is a really laid back guy, he mostly only cries when he’s hungry, needs a diaper change, wants a cuddle to fall asleep, or if he’s bored. Would Rayna have been like this, or would she have colic like her mommy did?

We don’t know and will never know who Rayna would be, and we are very aware of that while discovering who LT is becoming. The juxtaposition feels wholly unfair.

Photo credit: my sister

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